I Hate This

I read his letters over and over like a junkie.

I trace each thought and heart leap, mulling them over, savoring and sucking all the meaning out of each endearment, rolling it on my tongue, voicing it to feed my starving soul, willing for more to come. Like a child sent to her room to ponder her misbehavior, I am

I hate this silence.
I hate this neediness
I hate that I call you and you can’t hear me
I hate hat I can’t read your face or your eyes
I hate that I hug myself to sleep holding it together and my hands are not yours
I hate that I am so scared of being too much and not enough.

I hate that you warned me, but I don’t listen very well.

About emmylgant

Cloud watcher and dreamer sometimes wise, often foolish, but I am what I am.
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15 Responses to I Hate This

  1. tonyprance says:

    emmylgant….. Have you tried to talk? If silence has replaced the babble of love, he may not be the one for you, or he is too cocksure – knowing you still want him…I say withdraw , don’t let him in, write lots, let your heart recover and your soul refresh …it will happen.


    • emmylgant says:

      Time passes.
      “Time can break your heart/ have you begging please.” (E. Clapton Tears in Heaven)…
      I don’t want to play the game;
      “Love is not a victory march/ but a broken hearted Hallelujah” ( L. Cohen Hallelujah)
      I am what I am.


  2. Alot of hate here – leaves you wondering is it worth it?


  3. AnElephantCant help worrying that Emmy
    Is in danger of falling apart
    He hopes she stays strong
    And understands she is not wrong
    No one should do that to a heart


  4. Pingback: Come Get Your Stuff! « Mix&MatchMeme

  5. mixedupmeme says:

    There there now…….
    Be firm. Be practical. Be pragmatic.


    • emmylgant says:

      It’s complicated Meme. He didn’t do anything that he needs to apologize for or change…It’s my failings dear. Mine alone…and his stuff isn’t all over the place 🙂


      • mixedupmeme says:

        I know! And don’t think I don’t!!
        Sometime next year I am going to post some of my kick-ass songs. Well, not really. lol Just need to have a reason to add another song or two and you have provided it.


  6. pjb1943 says:

    This whole thing sounds like a one-sided relationship. Not the way things are ideally supposed to work out. Recipe for disaster.


    • emmylgant says:

      Perhaps. I rescued a cat once who had been so damaged that he could not stand to be petted; yet he liked to rest within reach. That was as much as he could give. We are all wounded in some ways, I think… The heart has its reasons that reason doesn’t know.


  7. And yet we build our dreams …


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