My intent was total honesty when I started this blog, hence the name “unbuttoned and undone”… but I needed some protection from the reckless baring of the soul, so I used a pseudonym. Yet even with it, I find that I hold back. I don’t say all that I want; I am self-conscious, judging, as I consistently fall short of the standards set by an inner voice that will not be silenced.
My blog is morphing as I write, as if I were trying to exorcise the demon within, the destroyer who brings me to my knees periodically.
Past failures and failings inhabit my present. I want to scream to the universe for a time-out and a do-over, but I know it won’t listen. The death sentence is decided and inescapable. The question then becomes what do I do between now and the execution? How do I make the most of the time left, feel alive, which for me is paying the ultimate tribute to life itself by enjoying it to the full?
I don’t have a clear answer to that, because life is not just about being happy all the time, tiptoeing through tulips in some lalaland in which all happens for the best. That is a leap of faith I can’t quite muster. And it’s not quite “Life is hard and then you die” either. Somewhere between Leibniz and the absurd I could live with. I think. So I make it up as I go.
Yes, life is a journey but, with all due respect, a journey to nowhere. We come to it naked and leave the same way; however, in between, we carefully don clothes and armors and shields in a vain attempt to protect ourselves from pain. We definitely button up. Zip it, buckle up and buck up when in fact, at a very fundamental level, we want and need to be accepted and loved in all our nakedness, at our most vulnerable.
Hence the enduring tales of the soul mate that haunts our songs, our poetry, and our literature in one form or another. The antidote from the unbearable loneliness of being, seems to reside in true love if we can find it…if we can hold on to it…if we have enough trust, courage, hope, compassion and lust to keep it going…in other words, if we let ourselves be vulnerable, in the line of fire and hurt.
Being alone and disconnected is being in pain. True love promises that one will never be alone in the infinite universe again. So we keep longing for the Other that is a part of ourselves. We keep feeding our heart stories and music that speak of love because it makes us feel better and hopeful, because loneliness is painful.
For those of us who did not find a soul mate to belong to (or made a wrong choice with hindsight) there is always God… Perhaps. He is the strong silent type, so he may or may not be there, it’s hard to tell; he may or may not care; that’s also hard to tell. According to those who know for sure, by the time we find out the truth, we are dead and it’s definitely too late to do something about it. In the absence of certainty, we fall back on the tangible possibility that we will not end up alone, so terribly alone. We keep yearning for someone who has our back and loves us as we are. To love completely and be loved is to live fully, I think; at the very least, it is the ideal human experience, a true measure of success.
Yet, alienation and loneliness are a universal human experience. So much of what we do is an effort to forget how alone we are. In my writing I share my alienation and sharing the load eases the burden. It is my rendition of Janis Joplin’s song Do you want to dance?
“So much of what we do is an effort to forget how alone we are. In my writing I share my alienation and sharing the load eases the burden.”
Beautifully stated thought, and such an eloquently written “about” page!
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You are very sweet, thank you. I need to update this page… It’s on the to do list ..
Thank you for following my blog; I’m on my way to yours.:)
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Thank you!
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Thank you for stopping by my blog and leading me back to your wonderful blog. I enjoyed my visit very much and loved your poems.
Blessings,
-Naima
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Hi there, Just dropping by to tell you that I nominated you for a Sunshine Award. You can check it out at the end of this post. http://wp.me/p60vo-4eI Best wishes! Aquileana ⭐
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Rereading your “About”, it seems quite dark to me and in strong contrast to what I see in your poems. Some of your poems are remarkable for their sereneness. They have a combination of being relaxed and being profound. Their quality is too high for that to be only a mask. They clearly stick out among a lot of poetry one can see in blogs. Just an observation. 🙂
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I should probably update the about page. I have become if not wiser, at least more accepting of what is, hence, possibly, the sereneness you read now. While I often question what is real, what is truth– and for this, your blog has helped me quite a bit in lightening up, and I gave up on certainty;-)– I cannot hide what I feel or think. My best friend calls me transparent; my mom used to say I was an open book… I just say I am what I am. No mask.
And thank you for your kind observation as well as your support. I am flattered.
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“and for this, your blog has helped me quite a bit in lightening up, and I gave up on certainty;-)”
No I am flattered myself 😉
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OK, just read your new post. You ARE dark 😉
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Who? Me, miss Sunshine? 😉
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I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading through your blog! It’s captured me as a follower. I however, respectfully disagree with the assertion in your “About’ Emilygrant that life is a journey to nowhere. Life is a beginning and End for-sure but it is the grandeur with which you fill the space in between, that’s of greatest importance. You are uniquely on a journey like no one before, no one else will ever have. No two individuals ever capture the same moments of time, space, and experience the same. For all of time and eternity the set of unique experience you capture in your time and space is eternally yours and only yours from the beginning to the end of time. Choose thoughtfully and carefully, which experiences to fill your own eternal time line with.
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“it is the grandeur with which you fill the space in between, that’s of greatest importance”. Precisely. Yes! the journey itself is of importance,what we do and how we spend the time allotted makes a difference potentially. My little dash of time is mine to experience richly, I agree. When I stop breathing, I believe–since I have no evidence to the contrary–life ends. Destination: worm food and recycling to the elements of stardust. That’s what I meant by destination to nowhere. The plenitude of my experience dies with me.
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Hey Emmy …I always look for the blue balloons …it’s the only way I know it’s out there…Luddites, what can you do ?….thank you for your hellos and you blog ….I hope you have a wonderful 2015 .
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Tell me about blue balloons! And thank you for your good wishes, may 2015 be kind to you as well.
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Dear Emmy, your words touch my heart in those places I thought were well defended. I sense a certain artistic melancholy, but a wise and well grounded voice comes through in your comments. I recently was gifted a Liebster bloggers’ award and my playful nature couldn’t resist the idea of it. An award, like a chain letter, that we all pass around and in doing so, reveal things about ourselves and then reach out to others creating new connections. I wanted to share this with you. If you would like to accept the Liebster and participate in the sharing of this benevolent chain award we bloggers pass to each other with rampant Snoopy dancing and good conversation, please see the post on my website at the link below for more information. I have a link back to your blog on my blog; to show my appreciation for your gifted framing of that emotion and state of being we all share, some more than others, and to help others find your website as well. If you prefer not to participate, you don’t need to do anything, and if you prefer that I not link back to your page, just let me know and I will remove it. Otherwise, I appreciate what you do here and find myself reading your posts over and over again. I wish you the best.
Kindest Regards, Daniel (Willy Nilly)
http://dwhinson56.wordpress.com/2014/05/20/omg-a-liebster-came-knocking/
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Thank you for wandering by to say hello to Willy Nilly and deciding to stay. Cheeky dragons are loyal like puppies. So, Willy Nilly wishes to follow you as well. Don’t mind the scratchy scales or the ocassional fiery yawn. Willy Nilly has a warm heart and will never do you harm.
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Welcome my fiery friend. Come and walk along with me, share the space and the conversations, the dreams and delusions, but most of all the connections. Thank you for showing up and leaving a fingerprint. Smiling
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Hi Emmy,
It was worth a visit today just to read this little poetry slam between you and AnElephant! The other reason I swung by is to say a huge thank you for being part of The Paperbook Collective in 2013. It was truly an honour to publish your beautiful poetry, and I hope you will have a chance to submit some more in 2014. Have a wonderful festive season.
Jayde.
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Awww shucks Jayde!
I love what you do and the spirit behind it
I am grateful to you for publishing it in a most beautiful way.
More on that shortly.
Merci Jayde et Joyeuses Fetes.
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You have a new fan in me Emmy 🙂
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Thank you Roxi! I am very happy to see you here.:-)
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Ah now I remember. I came and visited your blog a while back now, intrigued at having seen you on John’s blog. You inspired a rather heartfelt post on my part on one of my other blogs, though it was personal to me rather than it being a reflection of you. So I thank you for the inspiration, and the opportunities it provided me in getting to know certain people better, as well of course as myself. You too are an inspiration.
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Thank you, I am glad to have contributed to your creativity in a small way. Blog on my friend!
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Cheers! You too!
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Emmy, I started an anon blog at mrmodigliani.wordpress.com. I just wanted to express myself more freely without judgment from coworkers, family, friends, etc. I am bringing some content over, but making it a bit racier.
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Oops. Lost a post.
I said thank you for the time you’ve spent on my blog perusing my work today. I am glad when people visit, but even moreso when they snoop around in the nooks and crannies. I trust it was enjoyable. I am always honored.
What I also said was I have done quite a bit of research on the French Huguenots for a historic novel based on one who escaped the wrath of Louis XIV and ended up in Charlestowne. He flourished there, as did his offspring. One descendent fought with Francis Marion (The Swamp Fox) during the American Revoluntion and one of the state’s counties is named after him.
So I fancy traveling to France to walk the ground where his family lived, a small (then) village of Charenton, known for an insane asylum, and for the largest Huguenot temple then in existance. It is where the Marne and the Seine converge, about 5 miles south and east of the center of Paris. At the time, no Huguenot could worship within 5 leagues of Paris
And, of course, to see Versailles, Louis’s masterpiece to himself. You know he was motivated out of jealousy over the then Minister of Finance, who built quite an estate and had a lavish multi-day party where all of the rich and then famous, including Louis, were invited.
Prompted a bit of investigation on Louis’ part, and the minister? He ended up in the Bastille, I believe — or somewhere just as homey.
Ah, for the good old days!
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Ah yes, Nicolas Fouquet was much maligned by Louis XIV . Certainly he was wealthy yet charges against him where never proved. He had a reputation for being a good and honest man. Surely the fact that he was a powerful member of the Paris Parliament, was part of a select group of old nobility with roots in Brittany going further than the king’s lineage, affected his fate. Louis XIV never forgave or forgot the Fronde and the Paris revolt started in Parliament..
Fouquet’s estate at Vaux le Vicomte is still one of the most beautiful estates one can visit. And by the way, regarding the revelry and excesses of the party Louis was invited to, we must remember the fine line many a noble man had to walk: First of all the king and his retinue invited themselves, and second, If the party was not lavish enough it was an offense to the king; if it was too much, well… what happened to Fouquet happened to others. Fouquet died in Pignerol (Pinerolo in Italian since it is in the Piemont) and till the end, some very courageous and principled French noblemen(and women) appealed to the king for justice and mercy, obviously without success..
Yeah. History major with a concentration in XVII century French history.:-)
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Ahhh! Then you know the temple at Charenton was razed to the ground and Louis turned up the heat on the Huguenots. Eli Horry escaped at age 20 or so — his father martyred and his mother disappeared (probably into a nunnery). His brother served in the king’s army. Horry’s descendent, Peter, (I forget which generation), became a hero serving under Marion.
Ironically, the Huguenots who managed to relocate faced some of the same biases in America — but not nearly to the extent they suffered in France.
History major! How about that? I’m a mere enthusiast.
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This is so poignant, true and honest. It certainly makes me consider some of the good and poor choices I have made, and what to do with the time left. Your pain is similar to mine, perhaps a bit more pronounced. I will spend some time reading your posts to learn more. Ps I was expecting a different kind of blog when I came here. Ha! Thanks for visiting mine.
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Thank you Doug. As I said, the blog morphs as I come to crossroads, lessons learned (or not!) and as I find my voice. I am grateful for the encouragements I received over the past year that helped me develop as a writer. I should put an addendum here because the loneliness of being is now manageable… most days .
Yes, your blog gave me a clue that perhaps we are looking at things in a similar way.
I am glad to have met you.
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Beautiful, sensory writing. You put your heart and soul into it. Feels silly to say more. I am humbled and am your ‘follower’
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Thank you for coming to my blog and lingering a while. You are most welcome in my unbuttoned space as I share my thoughts.
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Beautiful. shredded writing! I came here for I yearn for the France I miss and saw a few so well-placed French words on your comment on Elephicant’s page. I seem to be an opposite – having only lived about two years in Britain and many in other lands – one,France, …ah…douce France…but I am not the sentimental type, my attachment to France is honest.
Unconditional love…in the end rebounds on itself and is selfish. Glad to have found your blog…!
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Welcome and thank you for taking the time to investigate, comment and decide to follow.
I am curious, what do you mean by your “attachment to France is honest”?
As for unconditional love, we agree. It doesn’t exist, it shouldn’t… not even god (should he be listening) subscribe to the idea.
I will have to thank AnElephantCant. :-).
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What a beautiful gift of expression you have. I am delighted to have found you ! Will be following. I have always been a subscriber to unconditional love …reading some of the comments here has stirred me to dwell on this thought….and ponder it a bit….
Appreciation for your honesty and openness…it is very refreshing. 🙂
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Thank you so much and welcome! I am looking forward to your visits. Smiling.
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So … if not intruding; what makes you so lonely? Do you perhaps have some dreadful affliction?
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Other than foot in mouth disease and jumping to conclusions, no I don’t have a severe affliction. Circumstances changed and I had to leave the US and go back “home” to France where I have never lived more than 18 months in a row. Long story. Boring. Human. So it goes.
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I suffer from both the above but blunder along (if you’ve ever had a bull terrier in the family you’ll know what I mean).
I never made it to the south of France but spent a few very happy weeks at Chalon sur Soane and fell madly in love with the place.
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Thank you for visiting my blog and liking some of my posts, thus giving me the opportunity to find your blog. I look forward to enjoying more of the words I have found…. Charles
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You write very well. Thank you for sharing. Sharing strengthens our threads. Your writing also prompted a post on my blog. Thank you for the inspiration!
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Hello, I’ve nominated you for the Best Moment Award. Get info about the rules at :http://happyheuristics.wordpress.com/2013/04/04/best-moment-award/
Best,
Happy Heuristics
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This was excellent, thank you for sharing. I’m glad I found this space. I look forward to reading more as the journey continues on. 🙂
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Bella, I thought i replied ages ago! Thank you for the encouraging words and yes, Let’s share some more. 🙂
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Love the title of your blog and the tagline ‘Hang on, Hang on’. They say when life throws you lemons, make lemonade. Just like that, when life keeps you lonely, become a poet; when life gives you jitters, show your dance moves; and when life promises to be bare-naked, unzip and relax! Thanks for inspiring some thinking!
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Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to leave a note. Your suggestions are right on target! I practice the first two, and working on the third. Smile.
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life is absurd. it appears to me the natural state of things is unhappiness ,since happiness comes and goes, worry and ill health but beautiful at the same time and this to me is the great paradox!
this is superb and this page always has to be under construction, you always have a new experience to record here permanently for the one time visitor!
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Yes life is absurd…but the challenge is to live with its absurdities consciously and stack the odds on the side of beautiful and meaningful, even if it is an illusion. I know, I know, truth rules, but sometimes, there just isn’t any comfort in it.
Of course it doesn’t help my cause to be unbuttoned. 🙂
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it does help your course to be unbuttoned. I think it allows you to see life as it really is. You enjoy the good moments and when shit happens then you can say so so is life
I agree, we have to work towards creating some meaning in life when faced with all this absurdities.
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Enjoying this … thank you for sharing, but so wish bloggers wouldn’t ‘hide’ … there are so many and they should be proud of anything they convey in their words and pictures. We the ‘peekers’ must take from them what we can whilst remembering that a human heart has scribed and depicted a gift for us, often beautifully, so our hearts can read the giver’s heart…
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Thank you for taking the time and stopping by.
Yes we are many out there in blogosphere pouring our hearts to whomever will listen, or will give us the time of day. The reader comes to the written word without prior knowledge of the writer, without expectations and is able, I think, to take away the expression offered as its face value. It may not be the case with readers we are familiar with. Writing anonymously is like confiding in a stranger on the train vs. telling your children or mother your secrets. Not the same freedom of expression; not the same stage of openess, vulnerability, and therefore, not the same chance to let the Mother Teresa empathy factor present in all of us to work its healing magic. That’s how I justify it anyway.
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This is deeply moving. I’m sorry.
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Thank you for visiting.
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I have sought what you speak of and deluded myself into believing I had found it more than once.
I have come to think that the only real Love I am worthy of is what I can find in myself. I am weary of the fruitless search and will look no more.
I feel Love for all most of the time and none occasionally.
There are people in my past, in my present and maybe in my future whom I Love or will Love, very dearly. But there is not the “soul mate”, the complete, unconditional and eternal.
Love is as transient as Life. It comes and it goes. No matter how much or how little we Love or are Loved, our destination remains the same.
This line from the Beatles has always been a bit of a paradox, a catch 22 for me.
“And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make”.
The Beatles / Paul McCartney, “The End”, Abbey Road, 1969
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I am not convinced that people are capable of unconditional love; compassionate love is as close as we get, I believe. Yes, with or without love the destination is the same, however, the loneliness and alienation we all feel ( we are all strangers here) is soothed somewhat by the partner who has your best interest at heart.
Thanks for stopping by and following my blog..
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I’m not certain about unconditional Love.
Sometimes the partnership is “soothing”, for a while. And then it may just add more to the loneliness and alienation when it falls apart.
Personally, I’ve come to accept that I am not suited for “partnerships”. And this is alienation taken to an extreme, especially when there is no one to blame but I.
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I’d prefer to follow by email so I’ll get a message whenever a new post goes up but I can’t find the option in your sidebar. Perhaps you haven’t enabled it?
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At the top of the home page, you will see an option to follow. This will automatically notify you when a new post goes up.
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Unconditional love—!? No way. For myself I can only love people who hold the same values as I. Me. Whatever … ‘unconditional love’ is a sign of pure desperation on someone’s part.
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I agree with you. Unconditional love is dysfunctional,;it is not something I even broached on this page
A healthy dose of self-respect is necessary in any relationship, just for self-preservation! That said, a compassionate love, in which one is able to see the pain of the other as the agent of his/her negative action, helps the couple grow and stay together.
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I enjoy your blog very much 🙂
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Thank you. Feel free to comment on anything, anything at all.
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Emmy,
Thanks for your visit to my site. It gave me the opportunity to return the favor. There are a lot of real “gut” feelings, emotions, if you will, and I can feel what you have written and appreciate the courage it took to put it in front of those who would read it. Have lived a lot of what you wrote here and can attest that reality (real life) is somewhere between depression and euphoria. As to love, I can only say that it has been a visitor that comes and goes leaving some beautiful memories to fill the gaps between and ……”that’s all I got to say about the south”. Take care of yourself. Live every minute as if it’s your last and love every minute you’re given.
Paul
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Thanks for your input Paul; it’s much appreciated.
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“the unbearable loneliness of being”
A lovely phrase and fits the heart and tongue equally well. I have to remind myself frequently (and am passing along here:) that love comes in many forms, and the traditional soul mate/true love is only one of them. And fortunately the more love you have for the world and people around you the more open you will be to someone who truly enriches your life. At least that’s what I tell myself 😉
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Indeed, love comes in many forms but the “all is right with the world” kind of love is the what we hope for with stars in our eyes. You know what I am talking about, don’t you?
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Oh definitely. Not a person I’ve ever met who doesn’t secretly harbor that wish
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🙂
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Oh, there you are. And I think you are brave to unbutton yourself. Some of us just button up.
We zip it up too. lol
I hope to be here to read what you share. 🙂
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AnElephantCant help worrying
That his new friend is close to undone
So put on your second-best smile
Come chill out for a while
At AnElephant’s blog where life can be fun
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Thanks for the invitation;
I will mosey on out your way
for a laugh and chill
may be even a thrill
or a conniption.
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AnElephantcant tell you how you delight him
You just made him reach for his dictionary
That really great word
Left him feeling absurd
He didn’t know if it was factual or fictionary
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